Day 42: The Day I Detest

My mood hasn't changed from the last post. I have only been back from Atlanta a few days and now I have to deal with the hardest day of the year. Four days before my birthday I always have a shitty time. It used to be one of the happiest days of the year. The one connection I had with my dad was that his birthday was 4 days before mine. Now I detest that day. It brings back great memories but with the expiration date of his 49th birthday. The thought that I never got to throw him a 50th birthday party. The fact that I am here celebrating another year and he can't watch me grow. It hurts and I hate it. So if you thought I was going to come off of my Atlanta trip stoked to move forward sorry to disappoint. Right now I am just looking forward to the cruise coming up next week. I want the relaxation and maybe the recharge I need to get back on the wagon.

Day 27-37: When it rains it pours

You noticed the huge gap in days? I know me too. So after writing that blog post on the 7th I got up and went to work on the 8th. Empowering my thoughts. I was busy working away expecting a 12 hour work day. I got a call from a cousin in NY. Any other day I would have answered the phone happy to hear her voice. Waiting for the children to wail on the other end asking for their mothers attention. But she called me on a Saturday at 3pm. Shabbat was not over in NY and she observes it. There's something wrong if shes calling at this time of day. For a moment you ponder not answering. Not wanting to hear the news. Not wanting the tears to flow but you do because its family and you have to be there for them. A million scenarios run through my head of what could be wrong but in my heart I know what it is. I don't want to hear it but she confirms it. My uncle that had been ill for a very long time had passed.

So I spent the next few days fighting tooth and nail to get myself to Atlanta. I knew I needed to be there and I was going to be there. I now had a deadline for my work that was almost a week less than expected and I was riding out the biggest hurricane of the season. I had to change my flight 5 times and then take an insane flight to Miami then to Atlanta. When I got there I felt like I was in the right place. I needed to be there. I was there for a week and then came back for work again. So as you can see I has been a little intense but I'm slowly going to try to get back on track.


I might be writing all of this at a later time but I will try and fill in all of the gaps.

Day 26: Grrrr

Fml. Work is taking over and I can't help it. The problem is that when I'm so far into work I don't have the energy to figure out food. So I need to figure out working out. Lots of working out. I'm stuck in a rut and this is the weight I always stay at and plateau at. I start seeing 20's and think I'm better than being the 30's. Truth is when I was younger I used to dread weighing more than 200. Why is that not a scare now? All I want is my family member to see me in 40 days and see a difference from last year. Actually I want to look at myself and see a difference. But I give up. I can't this time. Ive been doing so well. I need to pick up my workout game. I need a bigger deficit in calories. I'm gonna get it done. Sunday I will reread my whole blog. Empower my thoughts and actions again. 

Day 25: Game changed ever so slightly

Probably not for the better though. I had a tough food day today. Biscotti for breakfast. Trisqits cheese avocados and turkey for lunch. I had portioned my cheese but then when I wanted more I got some cream cheese. How I thought I could control myself in front of a bucket of cheese was beyond me. Then I met a friend for dinner. The dinner was ok but then I endulged <- that's me tryin not to feel guilty. Half a bottle of wine, half of a gigantic candy bar and almost a half a pack of cigarettes. I'm going to pay for it tomorrow. 

BUT, the big but but not as big as my butt is going to be, I had a great night. I met with my amazing friend Sana. She always puts life into perspective for me. She makes me realize I can do so much more for myself. I hope that one day I stop worry about others and do more for me. I'm going to work harder for this diet.  I'm going to push myself harder than before. This is about me. I want to look in the mirror and finally see the person I feel is trapped inside on the outside. 

Day 24: A little off my game

I'm not liking where I'm going with all of this. I feel like I've lost time in what I could have done. I've also been very drained. Working like crazy and it's hard to keep up with the diet. The exercise is a demon all it's own. I've been saying being on my feet all day painting and working is my workout but I know it can't compensate. I have to pick up my game. Today I kept up with the calories but dinner was a pain in the ass. I wanted to have a healthy dinner but I went to the wrong place. You're gonna think I'm crazy but I went to whole foods and it was a DISASTER. Do you know they don't have calories on anything. Like at all. You have to guess what you're eating. It's such a pain. I wandered around like an idiot and couldn't find anything good. I just got some couscous and tofu. I also got a sparkling water and a biscotti for dessert. I had only a bit of it and left the rest for breakfast. I need a game changer. And soon. 

Day 18-23: It got a little crazy

So the job that I picked up I thought was going to be temporary but ended up being more than full time! A quick run down of my days. 

Thursday I was crazy busy. I didn't get to go to the gym because I had dinner with my brother. We did in and out. I kept the calories in range with a protein style cheese burger. 

Friday was another busy day with work. I didn't count my calories like I wanted. Also dinner would have been a little hard to count because it was Persian food lol. But I avoided carbs and just had salad with chicken. I think I went to the gym that night. I really can't remember. 

Saturday was a laaaazy day. I watched TV all day. Went to Macy's and the to dinner with some friends. I counted my calories and was under since I didn't go to the gym. 

Super Bowl Sunday. I didn't count my calories for obvious reasons but I think I did well. I limited myself as much as I could. 

Monday I did pretty well. I had my kale salad but with another dressing and grilled tofu from whole foods. It was yummy like always. I went to the gym to burn a few more calories. 

Yesterday was another day of struggle with the food. I was so out of it and over worked that I went to chipotle for lunch and I hadn't eaten anything for breakfast. I had a chicken salad at a bar for dinner. I really wanted a beer after an 11 hour day. 

There's what you missed! 

Oh wait I failed to mention I weighed in on Sunday at 229 :) It kept my hopes up and I'm going to push even harder to get to my goal. 

Day 17: Mmmmmmmexican

Just a normal day at the office. But calorie wise it was not my friend. I made a great omelette in the morning. Very yummy and filling. Then I had left overs for lunch. It was something I did not want to eat. My grandpa had thrown together this mish mosh of chicken and gross veggies. Before I could eat it we decided to get food from the corner bakery. First of all I found out I was downing 500 calories in lemonade every time I ate there!!!! Then I found out the Chinese salad there was only 500 something calories for the full size. VERY filling. I enjoyed that. 

The hard part came at dinner. I went out with some friends to get Mexican food. I tried researching calories all day. Tacos al carbon came up the lowest in calories. I enjoyed them and limited my chips to a few instead of gorging myself like I always do. Ohhh my coworker also gave me a great idea of drinking soda water and lemon. So refreshing and you don't miss the calories! Obsessed now of course. To be honest I didn't log my day of food because I was just too scared.