Day 17: Mmmmmmmexican

Just a normal day at the office. But calorie wise it was not my friend. I made a great omelette in the morning. Very yummy and filling. Then I had left overs for lunch. It was something I did not want to eat. My grandpa had thrown together this mish mosh of chicken and gross veggies. Before I could eat it we decided to get food from the corner bakery. First of all I found out I was downing 500 calories in lemonade every time I ate there!!!! Then I found out the Chinese salad there was only 500 something calories for the full size. VERY filling. I enjoyed that. 

The hard part came at dinner. I went out with some friends to get Mexican food. I tried researching calories all day. Tacos al carbon came up the lowest in calories. I enjoyed them and limited my chips to a few instead of gorging myself like I always do. Ohhh my coworker also gave me a great idea of drinking soda water and lemon. So refreshing and you don't miss the calories! Obsessed now of course. To be honest I didn't log my day of food because I was just too scared. 

Day 16: Feel the burn

I won't lie I'm writing this on Friday, as well as the rest of the weeks. It's been insane. So Tuesday. It was the start of insanity. I was supposed to be in the office but instead I ended up with the bosses kids at home. You would think driving around and hanging out is ideal. Nope not when you are dieting and they are two young men that eat every five seconds. Not to mention the food in that house is abundant. I kept to my diet. I even went home and made an EPIC kale salad. Like I'm full now and my mouth is watering thinking about it. Very low calorie also. With all of tht I was below at about 159 calories and my ass still hauled all the way over to the gym. I needed the sleep but I knew I wasn't going to make it to the gym soon so I took advantage. Nothing crazy but I did run the longest I've ever run. That made my lungs burn the most they've burned in many many years. Actually felt good! 

Day 15: Mondays suck

Especially after you wasted your whole weekend in bed. I'm also losing steam. I had this fantasy that I was going to lose weight so much faster. Maybe it's the daily weigh in. I told myself to cut back and I didn't. I need to read everything I've written every Sunday. Remind myself of what I'm here for. 

Any way it was an ok day. Food wasn't a challenge except for the end of the day. Which is always a challenge. I ate close to nothing around 7 then had an ice tea while out with some friends. We went to a bar later and I really wanted a beer and thought of the empty calories. The amount of aspartame if I guzzled a few diet cokes wasn't appealing. I really wanted something to eat and nothing seemed calorie worthy compared to my hunger. It's all training. To realize I'm not as hungry as I think. Even at the memorial I stopped eating because my stomach screamed IM FULL. I would have kept eating way after that. So there's some progress. I just want a lot more progress before March. There's a lot going on and I want to be excited for all of it. 

Oh ya and my friend Devon is a sexy beast and I'm lucky to have him in my life. He sends me texts fairly frequently to remind me that I need to go to the gym.  (There's your glorious mention in my blog)

Day 14: Hart of Dixie

That's all I've been watching today. I felt a lot better but my back was just aching and stuck. I spent the day in front of the iPad wishing I could have Hart's life. Crazy I know but I've always loved the small town in the middle of no where. Especially the south. Hot men with a lot of chivalry and a little twang. 

So leaving my fantasies behind I had mild day. I'm going to get back on track tomorrow with working out. I weighed in at 231.something today which kind of worried me. I'll be taking it easy and slowly easing back into the diet. 

Day 13: Still sick

I'm still recovering from my cold or flu or whatever. It's been really sucky because I felt like I was getting way better then it came back. The only good thing I can report is that I weighed in at 232. But that's probably loss of lots of fluids. Not to mention I scarfed down chipotle for dinner. Actually I counted the calories and skipped the chips. I know I said I wouldn't bother on weekends but 520 calories sounded insane to indulge for a bag of chips. Hopefully I'll have my energy back tomorrow. I have a lot to organize and get done around the house. 

Day 11 & 12: Talk about being knocked on your ass

So Thursday was a normal day. Went to the office and did the same things as always. Then the snotty little paralegal or whatever showed up. Here's the thing I never thought badly of her until this day. She walks in sick as a dog. I said I didn't expect to see her because she sounded like hell yesterday. She said she's better and asked where the attorney was. On a conference call I told her. She should be done in a few moment. This is where I get annoyed. She walks away from me and goes up to the receptionist and asks where the attorney is. Bitch I just told you! Then when the attorney comes out she says "I'm not contagious or I wouldn't have come." Ya ok that's why you spent the rest of the time covering your mouth with your scarf? Ok. Well guess who went home feeling like shit? I was so sleep deprived that I got sick instantly. I don't remember driving home real well. I had to go to a memorial and tried really hard to stay on my feet. I got some NyQuil and passed out. 

The next morning I did a weight in and I was at 233.8. Not ideally where I wanted to be but I was happy with it. Stayed in bed hopped up on meds and liquids all day. My body hurts but I feel like the cold is passing thank gd! But seriously people don't go out if you're sick! It's not fair to other people. 

Day 10: No excuses

I had a really shitty day after work. I went to a family members house and hung out. We started talking about family and getting married and the whole shabang. Then it turned into how I should probably be going to therapy and why I don't go to therapy. My dads cousin, who I consider to be my uncle, started talking to me about work. He was telling me how I was selling myself short. Which I do all the time. Well with a head full of lecture I wasn't feeling the gym but I was over my daily limit of calories and needed a deficit fast. 

I'm proud of myself because I had so many excuses not to go. No clean socks. No clean clothes to change into. No extra flip flops. I didn't let them stop me though. I went and almost fell asleep between sit ups. But I did it. I got into an argument with a friend over something really stupid. He texted me when I was in the shower and I could have let it get to me but seriously I was so tired I couldn't even think about it. My head hurt from thinking too much about the convos with the family. I'm ready to kick it up a notch though. Especially being invited out so much this weekend I don't want to lose sight. 

Day 9: Totally spaced out

I finally got a small job and because I had to get up early I totally spaced on writing. 

AND I DID REALLY GOOD YESTERDAY! I kept under 1200 calories and I went to Zumba!

OMG the Zumba instructor was INSANE. She was a wannabe stripper that thought she was running a bootcamp. I don't know, when I took my first class he said he was going easy but he was still inspirational through out his work out. I don't see him becoming an asshole just because his class will be harder. We were constantly being threatened in this chicks class. It was pretty crazy. So today has been pretty mild but I'll write about it in today's post! Hopefully I remember. 

Day 8: Sitting in the drive thru

I had a moment. I have them sometimes. I think of my father that passed away about six years ago and I have a moment. It's ugly. The tears the anger the regret but it's not like I lost him in a pretty way. He was gone in a moment and I was only 21. I feel like every moment after his death was a waste of my life. I stopped living as soon as he was gone. 

Why am I telling you this? Two reasons. First I'm hoping that going through this transformation will be enough to start living again. So much has gone wrong that I really need one thing to go right. Something for me for once. Second reason is to say that writing this really is helping with the control. Last night I was talking about all the aspartame scares going around. Tonight after my moment I was about to get the biggest diet coke and drink away. It's my vice especially when I don't smoke. Then I remembered what I wrote. If I can't be honest with myself then I'll never move forward. So I stuffed my face with two churros. Ya not healthy but I avoided the chemicals and I know I'll just have to workout super hard tomorrow. 

My day today was nothing special. I had a moderate breakfast/lunch. Dinner was a bit too heavy but I endulged. Maybe my moment was due to carb overload ;) So needless to say today was a half step back in my eyes but it's ok. I'll go two steps forward tomorrow. Oh ya I weighed myself this morning and I was at 235.6. Not horrible after the weekend I had. Hoping to see 232 by Sunday.  

Day 7: The Patriots lost

I know I know I should be blogging about my weightloss goal and blah blah blah but this was a sucky day. I really wanted to see them at the Super Bowl! 

Anywho! I was at the bar way longer than I needed to be but I did well for what I had. I had an egg white omelette for breakfast and a thin crust pizza for lunch. I shouldn't have had all the lemonade I drank but I'm trying to stay away from diet drinks. The more and more I hear about the dangers of aspartame the more I worry about the crap we unload into our bodies. Listen if we were meant to eat I then it wouldn't harm us. In the end short cuts don't work. So don't pump yourself full of garbage just for the sake of dieting. Enjoy what you like and work harder to earn it. Tomorrow I'm back on track and I'm honestly scared to get back on the scale but I will. 

Day 6: A few new rules

So I've decided to make a new rule for weekends. No counting calories and no weighing in. It's just not fair to myself. Today for instance I had a great breakfast (at noon though lol I slept in). Light and no carbs but high protein. I was fine with that until dinner. Dinner was heavy. I met with some friends and had pizza then when to Cheesecake Factory for dessert. You know what I treated myself. I was on my way to the gym when then invited me out. I stuffed my face and still went to the gym on a sat night. The reason I came up with that rule is because you need breaks. If I guilted myself about not doing the numbers and stuff all weekend then I'd give up by Monday. 

Think of it like this. Regardless of dieting and exercise I'd still eat out with friends or go to BJs for the football game and enjoy myself. So instead of bringing myself down about doing those things I need to praise myself for working out and working off all those calories that would have other wise never been burned. 

Rule two. If I decide to not count or weigh in on weekends then I need to be a little more strict during the week. It's a give and take even with yourself. Be reasonable and work with yourself. Not against yourself. 

I'm not happy with the numbers I'm seeing on the scale which is why I haven't reported them. Last I checked it was back up near 236. I might have to knock it down to every other day or a few set days for weigh ins. Staring at such big fluctuations can be annoying. 

Anyway tomorrow is a football day. Patriots are gonna kick ass and I'm going to enjoy myself. Come Monday my ass is gonna have to be in overdrive ;)

Day 5: Oh to dance again

Today was not a good day. I hate that my mood can change so quickly. I went out to breakfast with a friend and then hung out. When I got home I had to cook dinner. I think not having my simple breakfast and set plans for the gym threw me off. There's only early classes at the gym tomorrow. But that doesn't mean I can't go on my own. I will get a work out in tomorrow at some point in the day. 

To be honest even today I felt the urge to work out. I was just in such a funk about my living situation that I kept hemming and hawing about it all. So I've decided to spruce up my room and get a little more organized. I have my bday coming up and a very special family member is coming into town mid March. I want to be in track to celebrate once and for all the ways I've always wanted to. Feeling great in my own skin for once. 

Even now I'm sitting here watching this Bollywood film and thinking how I wish I had the girls body. Not because I want to show it off but because I want to DANCE. I always regretted letting go of my dancing and letting go of myself. I stopped taking classes, then I stopped dancing so much at parties and then my dad passed away and not dancing for a year just took away whatever skill was left. I love the feeling of blasting music and dancing. Without a care in the world and feeling the music in your bones. I will get back to that place again. I feel it. I know it. I'll do it. 

Day 4: Zumba happened and I didn't die

I won't lie, I seriously thought that the Zumba class was going to kill me. There were moments that I thought my feet were going to fall off but I made it through. The instructor was the typical "I'm a dancer/actor/the best thing since sliced bread" kind of person PLUS he was flaming and one of Richard Simmons' students. I wanted to kill him. What saved me was the music. It was so effing loud that you just got lost in it. I will be definitely trying it again. He claims he went easy on us. I will test out another class and see how it goes. 

Besides that I've just been in a great mood all day. I forgot to report my weight yesterday. Well I didn't like it so I I just put it out if my head but yesterday I was 236.8 and today I weighed in at 234.0. That made me feel awesome. That small achievement made me realize anything is good. So baby steps it is and I will get there. You know I think it also has to do with the fact that it hasn't felt like a diet or regimen. It feels like I'm fixing my life. Mostly to be about me again. Writing has made a HUGE difference. I will be keeping up with it and kicking ass. 96 more days to go. 

I leave you with the song on repeat in my head and on my phone recently. It just gives me hopeful energy! Figure out a way to be optimistic about every challenge that comes your way. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=F90Cw4l-8NY

Day 3: Zumba didn't happen

I know I said I would go. I didn't chicken out or miss it on purpose. I left earlier to go out and but everything new I promised myself I would buy. I got new pants, a shirt, water bottle, duffle bag and signature "I'm working out look at me" neon sneakers. Hey I couldn't pass up pumas for $25. So any ways I didn't get to the gym until after the class had started. To be honest I didn't feel well even while shopping and I realized I had eaten close to nothing all day. While buying the last of my stuff I bought some apple chips. I calculated how many calories I ate at it was around 440. I knew I could knock that out just on the treadmill so that was my goal. I ended up getting up to 400 calories. I was happy with that. My dinner wasn't the best but considering my total calorie intake was about 0 at this point I indulged just a bit.

So now on to day three.  I didn't get to go to the gym. I had a day out with my friend. We went to the mall and walked around quite a bit. But you know what I did that I'm actually proud of. I had my gym bag in the car ready to go. You have to give yourself credit where credit is due. I'm not the type to be prepared for my own life in any way. I put everything off which is horrible but I'm learning to do more. I will Definately go to the gym tomorrow and attempt to do one of the classes. No guarantees but I know I will go there and get some kind of workout done. Until then :)

Day 2: Promises Promises

So just to make sure I don't make an ass out of myself I am stating it now. I will go to the Zumba class at 5:30 at my gym. I know what you're thinking. Who's going to read this? What stops me from just deleting this post and not going? Its when you put something down on paper that it bothers you more when you don't do it. So I said it. There it is ^^^^^^ Zumba at 5:30. I will be back with my honest verdict later tonight.

Day 1: Ya about that

I'll be honest. I did nothing special except make a healthy breakfast. Which that by itself is a good thing but I didn't try hard enough. I know I didn't. I just lacked the motivation to get up and go. I fall into this rut and get comfortable. Its time to admit that I find ways to waste time. Tomorrow I am going to go out and buy a new workout outfit and shoes. A duffle bag as well. I want to have the gym bag ready to go so that there are no excuses. I'm dead broke so if I spend this money and not use it I'll hate myself. Although I'm spending $40 on the gym every month and I still don't go as often as I should. You know what I'll get there. I will. So I will just look at the positive. I ate a great breakfast (egg whites, bell pepper,mushrooms, sugar snap peas and quinoa with a little side of labne) and I didn't snack on garbage the rest of the day. Tomorrow I will commit to doing more and moving forward. If I don't it will be my loss. One more day I lost doing nothing.

Oh I forgot my weight. Ill go weight myself now. One sec . . . . 235.1 I'll admit my weight can fluctuate a lot. Hopefully it'll just keep going down though!

Stop Lying

I'm starting this blog because I need to stop lying to myself. We all do it. Whether big or small we lie everyday to get us through the next 24 hours and feel like we've done nothing wrong.

"I don't have any major health problem so there's nothing wrong with me" WRONG! I've always told myself that because I don't have health problems like my brother that I'm ok. I don't have a thyroid issue so I'm ok. I don't take medications for my blood pressure, cholesterol etc. so I'm ok. I've never been warned about being diabetic so I'm ok.

"So I have some chest pain. Whatever I'm young it can't be my heart" Really? What other person "wonders" about chest pain at the age of 27? I've had more EKGs to ease my mind than I should ever have had in a lifetime.

"One more day before I start my diet/healthy lifestyle/exercise. One more day wont hurt" Yes, yes it will. That's one more day we lost that we could have had progress. Even if that one day included 10 minutes of walking or 10 calories less its still something we gave up to allow ourselves to be lazy.

"I don't need to lose weight for anyone." Well that would seem logical right? Who do we have to lose weight for? It should only be for ourselves right? Not for our future partners that would like us to be around for 50 or 60 years of marriage. Not for our children that learn from watching us and want us to be around for them. No why would they want us to be healthy and not have to worry about our health the same way we would worry about theirs.

"I can't lose weight. I've tried EVERYTHING" Uhhh no you haven't. Bet you a million dollars you haven't tried the one thing we all need, self restraint. Why oh why do we need to be that person that has to think about every meal? Why do we need to count calories? Why do we have to be the ones that care??? Well I can't answer that for you. With a long list of bad decisions, being taught the wrong lifestyle as well as g-ds great gift of a slow metabolism here we are. So suck it up and think about the things that go into your mouth. That cake, candy, soda, chips, fast food and everything else you gorge on is not only very tasty but it's also killing you one calorie at a time.

"I love my body exactly the way it is" That's a half lie. We have come to terms with our body. Most people, including me, love the way our body is right at this moment. Where's the lie in that? We tell ourselves that like a daily mantra as to say "you're ok and you don't need to change" Stop lying. You know you want to wear those jeans that are 5 sizes smaller. You want to pull off that outfit that you know you cant right now. You want to wear those shorts and not wonder if any one is staring. SO STOP. I'm proud of myself for being comfortable in my own skin. But definitely not as proud having that before and after picture permanently ingrained in your head for many years to come.

So here we are. You and I. Everything is out and on the table. There's no reason to lie to yourself any more. You need this, you want it and we are going to get it. Give yourself 100 days. My goal is to weigh under 200 pounds in 100 days. Last I weighed myself I came in at 236 pounds. I will post my weight every single day. Even if I feel defeated and slip up, I will be honest and write about it. I don't care if nobody reads any of this. I will know that at least I didn't lie about it. So this is step one, tomorrow is day one and hopefully the last time I "start" my new life. From this point on I want to have a life that works. Not a diet, not a trick or pill and not a challenge, but a life that will keep me healthy and happy for many years to come.

I'll be back tomorrow with a plan, no matter how hard, I will do it.