Day 42: The Day I Detest

My mood hasn't changed from the last post. I have only been back from Atlanta a few days and now I have to deal with the hardest day of the year. Four days before my birthday I always have a shitty time. It used to be one of the happiest days of the year. The one connection I had with my dad was that his birthday was 4 days before mine. Now I detest that day. It brings back great memories but with the expiration date of his 49th birthday. The thought that I never got to throw him a 50th birthday party. The fact that I am here celebrating another year and he can't watch me grow. It hurts and I hate it. So if you thought I was going to come off of my Atlanta trip stoked to move forward sorry to disappoint. Right now I am just looking forward to the cruise coming up next week. I want the relaxation and maybe the recharge I need to get back on the wagon.

Day 27-37: When it rains it pours

You noticed the huge gap in days? I know me too. So after writing that blog post on the 7th I got up and went to work on the 8th. Empowering my thoughts. I was busy working away expecting a 12 hour work day. I got a call from a cousin in NY. Any other day I would have answered the phone happy to hear her voice. Waiting for the children to wail on the other end asking for their mothers attention. But she called me on a Saturday at 3pm. Shabbat was not over in NY and she observes it. There's something wrong if shes calling at this time of day. For a moment you ponder not answering. Not wanting to hear the news. Not wanting the tears to flow but you do because its family and you have to be there for them. A million scenarios run through my head of what could be wrong but in my heart I know what it is. I don't want to hear it but she confirms it. My uncle that had been ill for a very long time had passed.

So I spent the next few days fighting tooth and nail to get myself to Atlanta. I knew I needed to be there and I was going to be there. I now had a deadline for my work that was almost a week less than expected and I was riding out the biggest hurricane of the season. I had to change my flight 5 times and then take an insane flight to Miami then to Atlanta. When I got there I felt like I was in the right place. I needed to be there. I was there for a week and then came back for work again. So as you can see I has been a little intense but I'm slowly going to try to get back on track.


I might be writing all of this at a later time but I will try and fill in all of the gaps.

Day 26: Grrrr

Fml. Work is taking over and I can't help it. The problem is that when I'm so far into work I don't have the energy to figure out food. So I need to figure out working out. Lots of working out. I'm stuck in a rut and this is the weight I always stay at and plateau at. I start seeing 20's and think I'm better than being the 30's. Truth is when I was younger I used to dread weighing more than 200. Why is that not a scare now? All I want is my family member to see me in 40 days and see a difference from last year. Actually I want to look at myself and see a difference. But I give up. I can't this time. Ive been doing so well. I need to pick up my workout game. I need a bigger deficit in calories. I'm gonna get it done. Sunday I will reread my whole blog. Empower my thoughts and actions again. 

Day 25: Game changed ever so slightly

Probably not for the better though. I had a tough food day today. Biscotti for breakfast. Trisqits cheese avocados and turkey for lunch. I had portioned my cheese but then when I wanted more I got some cream cheese. How I thought I could control myself in front of a bucket of cheese was beyond me. Then I met a friend for dinner. The dinner was ok but then I endulged <- that's me tryin not to feel guilty. Half a bottle of wine, half of a gigantic candy bar and almost a half a pack of cigarettes. I'm going to pay for it tomorrow. 

BUT, the big but but not as big as my butt is going to be, I had a great night. I met with my amazing friend Sana. She always puts life into perspective for me. She makes me realize I can do so much more for myself. I hope that one day I stop worry about others and do more for me. I'm going to work harder for this diet.  I'm going to push myself harder than before. This is about me. I want to look in the mirror and finally see the person I feel is trapped inside on the outside. 

Day 24: A little off my game

I'm not liking where I'm going with all of this. I feel like I've lost time in what I could have done. I've also been very drained. Working like crazy and it's hard to keep up with the diet. The exercise is a demon all it's own. I've been saying being on my feet all day painting and working is my workout but I know it can't compensate. I have to pick up my game. Today I kept up with the calories but dinner was a pain in the ass. I wanted to have a healthy dinner but I went to the wrong place. You're gonna think I'm crazy but I went to whole foods and it was a DISASTER. Do you know they don't have calories on anything. Like at all. You have to guess what you're eating. It's such a pain. I wandered around like an idiot and couldn't find anything good. I just got some couscous and tofu. I also got a sparkling water and a biscotti for dessert. I had only a bit of it and left the rest for breakfast. I need a game changer. And soon. 

Day 18-23: It got a little crazy

So the job that I picked up I thought was going to be temporary but ended up being more than full time! A quick run down of my days. 

Thursday I was crazy busy. I didn't get to go to the gym because I had dinner with my brother. We did in and out. I kept the calories in range with a protein style cheese burger. 

Friday was another busy day with work. I didn't count my calories like I wanted. Also dinner would have been a little hard to count because it was Persian food lol. But I avoided carbs and just had salad with chicken. I think I went to the gym that night. I really can't remember. 

Saturday was a laaaazy day. I watched TV all day. Went to Macy's and the to dinner with some friends. I counted my calories and was under since I didn't go to the gym. 

Super Bowl Sunday. I didn't count my calories for obvious reasons but I think I did well. I limited myself as much as I could. 

Monday I did pretty well. I had my kale salad but with another dressing and grilled tofu from whole foods. It was yummy like always. I went to the gym to burn a few more calories. 

Yesterday was another day of struggle with the food. I was so out of it and over worked that I went to chipotle for lunch and I hadn't eaten anything for breakfast. I had a chicken salad at a bar for dinner. I really wanted a beer after an 11 hour day. 

There's what you missed! 

Oh wait I failed to mention I weighed in on Sunday at 229 :) It kept my hopes up and I'm going to push even harder to get to my goal. 

Day 17: Mmmmmmmexican

Just a normal day at the office. But calorie wise it was not my friend. I made a great omelette in the morning. Very yummy and filling. Then I had left overs for lunch. It was something I did not want to eat. My grandpa had thrown together this mish mosh of chicken and gross veggies. Before I could eat it we decided to get food from the corner bakery. First of all I found out I was downing 500 calories in lemonade every time I ate there!!!! Then I found out the Chinese salad there was only 500 something calories for the full size. VERY filling. I enjoyed that. 

The hard part came at dinner. I went out with some friends to get Mexican food. I tried researching calories all day. Tacos al carbon came up the lowest in calories. I enjoyed them and limited my chips to a few instead of gorging myself like I always do. Ohhh my coworker also gave me a great idea of drinking soda water and lemon. So refreshing and you don't miss the calories! Obsessed now of course. To be honest I didn't log my day of food because I was just too scared. 

Day 16: Feel the burn

I won't lie I'm writing this on Friday, as well as the rest of the weeks. It's been insane. So Tuesday. It was the start of insanity. I was supposed to be in the office but instead I ended up with the bosses kids at home. You would think driving around and hanging out is ideal. Nope not when you are dieting and they are two young men that eat every five seconds. Not to mention the food in that house is abundant. I kept to my diet. I even went home and made an EPIC kale salad. Like I'm full now and my mouth is watering thinking about it. Very low calorie also. With all of tht I was below at about 159 calories and my ass still hauled all the way over to the gym. I needed the sleep but I knew I wasn't going to make it to the gym soon so I took advantage. Nothing crazy but I did run the longest I've ever run. That made my lungs burn the most they've burned in many many years. Actually felt good! 

Day 15: Mondays suck

Especially after you wasted your whole weekend in bed. I'm also losing steam. I had this fantasy that I was going to lose weight so much faster. Maybe it's the daily weigh in. I told myself to cut back and I didn't. I need to read everything I've written every Sunday. Remind myself of what I'm here for. 

Any way it was an ok day. Food wasn't a challenge except for the end of the day. Which is always a challenge. I ate close to nothing around 7 then had an ice tea while out with some friends. We went to a bar later and I really wanted a beer and thought of the empty calories. The amount of aspartame if I guzzled a few diet cokes wasn't appealing. I really wanted something to eat and nothing seemed calorie worthy compared to my hunger. It's all training. To realize I'm not as hungry as I think. Even at the memorial I stopped eating because my stomach screamed IM FULL. I would have kept eating way after that. So there's some progress. I just want a lot more progress before March. There's a lot going on and I want to be excited for all of it. 

Oh ya and my friend Devon is a sexy beast and I'm lucky to have him in my life. He sends me texts fairly frequently to remind me that I need to go to the gym.  (There's your glorious mention in my blog)

Day 14: Hart of Dixie

That's all I've been watching today. I felt a lot better but my back was just aching and stuck. I spent the day in front of the iPad wishing I could have Hart's life. Crazy I know but I've always loved the small town in the middle of no where. Especially the south. Hot men with a lot of chivalry and a little twang. 

So leaving my fantasies behind I had mild day. I'm going to get back on track tomorrow with working out. I weighed in at 231.something today which kind of worried me. I'll be taking it easy and slowly easing back into the diet. 

Day 13: Still sick

I'm still recovering from my cold or flu or whatever. It's been really sucky because I felt like I was getting way better then it came back. The only good thing I can report is that I weighed in at 232. But that's probably loss of lots of fluids. Not to mention I scarfed down chipotle for dinner. Actually I counted the calories and skipped the chips. I know I said I wouldn't bother on weekends but 520 calories sounded insane to indulge for a bag of chips. Hopefully I'll have my energy back tomorrow. I have a lot to organize and get done around the house. 

Day 11 & 12: Talk about being knocked on your ass

So Thursday was a normal day. Went to the office and did the same things as always. Then the snotty little paralegal or whatever showed up. Here's the thing I never thought badly of her until this day. She walks in sick as a dog. I said I didn't expect to see her because she sounded like hell yesterday. She said she's better and asked where the attorney was. On a conference call I told her. She should be done in a few moment. This is where I get annoyed. She walks away from me and goes up to the receptionist and asks where the attorney is. Bitch I just told you! Then when the attorney comes out she says "I'm not contagious or I wouldn't have come." Ya ok that's why you spent the rest of the time covering your mouth with your scarf? Ok. Well guess who went home feeling like shit? I was so sleep deprived that I got sick instantly. I don't remember driving home real well. I had to go to a memorial and tried really hard to stay on my feet. I got some NyQuil and passed out. 

The next morning I did a weight in and I was at 233.8. Not ideally where I wanted to be but I was happy with it. Stayed in bed hopped up on meds and liquids all day. My body hurts but I feel like the cold is passing thank gd! But seriously people don't go out if you're sick! It's not fair to other people. 

Day 10: No excuses

I had a really shitty day after work. I went to a family members house and hung out. We started talking about family and getting married and the whole shabang. Then it turned into how I should probably be going to therapy and why I don't go to therapy. My dads cousin, who I consider to be my uncle, started talking to me about work. He was telling me how I was selling myself short. Which I do all the time. Well with a head full of lecture I wasn't feeling the gym but I was over my daily limit of calories and needed a deficit fast. 

I'm proud of myself because I had so many excuses not to go. No clean socks. No clean clothes to change into. No extra flip flops. I didn't let them stop me though. I went and almost fell asleep between sit ups. But I did it. I got into an argument with a friend over something really stupid. He texted me when I was in the shower and I could have let it get to me but seriously I was so tired I couldn't even think about it. My head hurt from thinking too much about the convos with the family. I'm ready to kick it up a notch though. Especially being invited out so much this weekend I don't want to lose sight. 

Day 9: Totally spaced out

I finally got a small job and because I had to get up early I totally spaced on writing. 

AND I DID REALLY GOOD YESTERDAY! I kept under 1200 calories and I went to Zumba!

OMG the Zumba instructor was INSANE. She was a wannabe stripper that thought she was running a bootcamp. I don't know, when I took my first class he said he was going easy but he was still inspirational through out his work out. I don't see him becoming an asshole just because his class will be harder. We were constantly being threatened in this chicks class. It was pretty crazy. So today has been pretty mild but I'll write about it in today's post! Hopefully I remember. 

Day 8: Sitting in the drive thru

I had a moment. I have them sometimes. I think of my father that passed away about six years ago and I have a moment. It's ugly. The tears the anger the regret but it's not like I lost him in a pretty way. He was gone in a moment and I was only 21. I feel like every moment after his death was a waste of my life. I stopped living as soon as he was gone. 

Why am I telling you this? Two reasons. First I'm hoping that going through this transformation will be enough to start living again. So much has gone wrong that I really need one thing to go right. Something for me for once. Second reason is to say that writing this really is helping with the control. Last night I was talking about all the aspartame scares going around. Tonight after my moment I was about to get the biggest diet coke and drink away. It's my vice especially when I don't smoke. Then I remembered what I wrote. If I can't be honest with myself then I'll never move forward. So I stuffed my face with two churros. Ya not healthy but I avoided the chemicals and I know I'll just have to workout super hard tomorrow. 

My day today was nothing special. I had a moderate breakfast/lunch. Dinner was a bit too heavy but I endulged. Maybe my moment was due to carb overload ;) So needless to say today was a half step back in my eyes but it's ok. I'll go two steps forward tomorrow. Oh ya I weighed myself this morning and I was at 235.6. Not horrible after the weekend I had. Hoping to see 232 by Sunday.  

Day 7: The Patriots lost

I know I know I should be blogging about my weightloss goal and blah blah blah but this was a sucky day. I really wanted to see them at the Super Bowl! 

Anywho! I was at the bar way longer than I needed to be but I did well for what I had. I had an egg white omelette for breakfast and a thin crust pizza for lunch. I shouldn't have had all the lemonade I drank but I'm trying to stay away from diet drinks. The more and more I hear about the dangers of aspartame the more I worry about the crap we unload into our bodies. Listen if we were meant to eat I then it wouldn't harm us. In the end short cuts don't work. So don't pump yourself full of garbage just for the sake of dieting. Enjoy what you like and work harder to earn it. Tomorrow I'm back on track and I'm honestly scared to get back on the scale but I will. 

Day 6: A few new rules

So I've decided to make a new rule for weekends. No counting calories and no weighing in. It's just not fair to myself. Today for instance I had a great breakfast (at noon though lol I slept in). Light and no carbs but high protein. I was fine with that until dinner. Dinner was heavy. I met with some friends and had pizza then when to Cheesecake Factory for dessert. You know what I treated myself. I was on my way to the gym when then invited me out. I stuffed my face and still went to the gym on a sat night. The reason I came up with that rule is because you need breaks. If I guilted myself about not doing the numbers and stuff all weekend then I'd give up by Monday. 

Think of it like this. Regardless of dieting and exercise I'd still eat out with friends or go to BJs for the football game and enjoy myself. So instead of bringing myself down about doing those things I need to praise myself for working out and working off all those calories that would have other wise never been burned. 

Rule two. If I decide to not count or weigh in on weekends then I need to be a little more strict during the week. It's a give and take even with yourself. Be reasonable and work with yourself. Not against yourself. 

I'm not happy with the numbers I'm seeing on the scale which is why I haven't reported them. Last I checked it was back up near 236. I might have to knock it down to every other day or a few set days for weigh ins. Staring at such big fluctuations can be annoying. 

Anyway tomorrow is a football day. Patriots are gonna kick ass and I'm going to enjoy myself. Come Monday my ass is gonna have to be in overdrive ;)

Day 5: Oh to dance again

Today was not a good day. I hate that my mood can change so quickly. I went out to breakfast with a friend and then hung out. When I got home I had to cook dinner. I think not having my simple breakfast and set plans for the gym threw me off. There's only early classes at the gym tomorrow. But that doesn't mean I can't go on my own. I will get a work out in tomorrow at some point in the day. 

To be honest even today I felt the urge to work out. I was just in such a funk about my living situation that I kept hemming and hawing about it all. So I've decided to spruce up my room and get a little more organized. I have my bday coming up and a very special family member is coming into town mid March. I want to be in track to celebrate once and for all the ways I've always wanted to. Feeling great in my own skin for once. 

Even now I'm sitting here watching this Bollywood film and thinking how I wish I had the girls body. Not because I want to show it off but because I want to DANCE. I always regretted letting go of my dancing and letting go of myself. I stopped taking classes, then I stopped dancing so much at parties and then my dad passed away and not dancing for a year just took away whatever skill was left. I love the feeling of blasting music and dancing. Without a care in the world and feeling the music in your bones. I will get back to that place again. I feel it. I know it. I'll do it. 

Day 4: Zumba happened and I didn't die

I won't lie, I seriously thought that the Zumba class was going to kill me. There were moments that I thought my feet were going to fall off but I made it through. The instructor was the typical "I'm a dancer/actor/the best thing since sliced bread" kind of person PLUS he was flaming and one of Richard Simmons' students. I wanted to kill him. What saved me was the music. It was so effing loud that you just got lost in it. I will be definitely trying it again. He claims he went easy on us. I will test out another class and see how it goes. 

Besides that I've just been in a great mood all day. I forgot to report my weight yesterday. Well I didn't like it so I I just put it out if my head but yesterday I was 236.8 and today I weighed in at 234.0. That made me feel awesome. That small achievement made me realize anything is good. So baby steps it is and I will get there. You know I think it also has to do with the fact that it hasn't felt like a diet or regimen. It feels like I'm fixing my life. Mostly to be about me again. Writing has made a HUGE difference. I will be keeping up with it and kicking ass. 96 more days to go. 

I leave you with the song on repeat in my head and on my phone recently. It just gives me hopeful energy! Figure out a way to be optimistic about every challenge that comes your way. 

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=F90Cw4l-8NY

Day 3: Zumba didn't happen

I know I said I would go. I didn't chicken out or miss it on purpose. I left earlier to go out and but everything new I promised myself I would buy. I got new pants, a shirt, water bottle, duffle bag and signature "I'm working out look at me" neon sneakers. Hey I couldn't pass up pumas for $25. So any ways I didn't get to the gym until after the class had started. To be honest I didn't feel well even while shopping and I realized I had eaten close to nothing all day. While buying the last of my stuff I bought some apple chips. I calculated how many calories I ate at it was around 440. I knew I could knock that out just on the treadmill so that was my goal. I ended up getting up to 400 calories. I was happy with that. My dinner wasn't the best but considering my total calorie intake was about 0 at this point I indulged just a bit.

So now on to day three.  I didn't get to go to the gym. I had a day out with my friend. We went to the mall and walked around quite a bit. But you know what I did that I'm actually proud of. I had my gym bag in the car ready to go. You have to give yourself credit where credit is due. I'm not the type to be prepared for my own life in any way. I put everything off which is horrible but I'm learning to do more. I will Definately go to the gym tomorrow and attempt to do one of the classes. No guarantees but I know I will go there and get some kind of workout done. Until then :)